Siriusly Me
by SIRIUSly UnSuRe
Summary: This is a kind of autobiography of the one and only: Sirius Black. It begins in his seventh year, and ends with his death. Read along as our favorite Sex God battles Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, creates his army of heliopaths, and snogs a bottle of sugar!
1. A Very Sirius Introduction

Disclaimer: I own nothingness.

A/N: This chapter is very confusing. Read and Review!

Title: Siriusly Me

Author: SIRIUSly Unsure 

Summary: This is a kind of autobiography of the one and only: Sirius Black. It begins in his seventh year, and ends with his death. Read along as our favorite Sex God battles Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, creates his army of heliopaths, and snogs a bottle of sugar! 

Chapter One: A Very Sirius Introduction 

            Why hello there, good looking! I am Sirius Black, the Almighty Sex God. I believe in pie. Let me tell you a lot about myself.                  

            I am in the last few month of my seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am obviously the smartest kid there. That's just the way I am. Oh, James Potter, my best friend, is smart too. Yeah. And his girlfriend Lily Evans…she's quite the know-it-all. And wow, when they go to together, its like badabing and badaboom!  But this story isn't about them. It's all me, baby. But this story contains a lot of James and Lily, for those two are my best friends, along with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. So. Where was I? Oh yeah. 

            I'm smart. And pretty. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty…and gay! And I have a wild imagination. I like girls with long legs. I like Quidditch, and I play one of the beater positions, along with Lily. James is a seeker, Remus is the Keeper. The other people don't really matter right now. They never matter. Back to me. Ok. Well, I'm tall. Around six. I'm so proud of myself—I am now taller than James! Whew, I bring James into everything, don't I? Ok. So…I am tall. And muscular. I have a six pack. I have brown hair that is usually gelled back. Gel is good. I discovered it in fifth year and fell in love with it. Don't tell, but I love gel more than Rhonda Clearwater. She's my current girlfriend. Just the flavor of the week, you know? We've only gone out once, and right now my eye is on Lily's best friend, Bella. She's cute. Just the other day, I was telling James that I saw her snogging Remus, and I wanted to hex her hard, but James said we should just prank her, –oh that reminds me. Pranks. I am a  Marauder! Ain't that something? I made that name up. And I gave us—that's the Marauders James, Remus, Peter, and I—all nicknames. Sorry If I'm confusing you. I do that a lot. You need to tell me when I do that. Ok. So. Back to the nicknames. We're all unregistered Animungus, except Remus. He's a werewolf. I turn into this really cute dog, so my nickname is Padfoot. James becomes this unicorn thing that he calls a Stag, so his nickname is Prongs. Peter becomes a rat. He's Wormtail. Savvy? (A/N: hahah I love Johnny Depp in pirates of the Caribbean!) 

            There's a lot more about me. But that comes later. Right now I have to go bother someone. Maybe James. He's snogging Lily. I wish I was snogging Bella. I heard she's a nice kisser. She puts on strawberry-kiwi lip gloss…I bet that tastes pleasant. And –no wait. See, there I go again. Getting distracted. You need to tell me when I do that. Savvy? I'm going to put a stop to James and Lily snogging. They're the Head-Boy and Girl. They should leave all snogging business to me.

            "Yo, James, bro!"

            "Mmph!" James was still snogging her. I slapped him. 

            "Are you cheating on me, James?" I put on a squeaky voice that sounded remarkably like Rhonda. "How could you? We were so tight? Was it my legs? Was it the fact I never shaved? You player!" I slapped him again. 

            "Aw, shove it, Sirius." And he started to snog her again. 

            Rhonda came up to me. "Are you implying something, sweetie?" She narrowed her ugly eyes at me.

            "Oh, Rhonda. I'm not implying anything. I'm simply stating things."

            "Excuse me?"

            "You're a bitch." 

            "I'm a BITCH?"

            "Yes!" I was glad she grasped the concept so quickly.

            "You are such a—"

            And then I transfigured her. I turned her into a ferret. I'm so good. Woo, go me! 

            "Sirius, what the hell didja do that for?" James stared at the Rhonda, the bouncing ferret, who hopped away.

            "Dunno. At least it stopped you and Lily from snogging the night away." 

            "Yeah…let's get to Quidditch practice."

            And James, Lily, and I raced off the field. Remus and Peter were already there, as were the other two people: Arthur Weasley and Bella Figg. She looks sexy. She always does. 

            "Oy, Black, get your fat arse here and start the practice already!" Bella screamed at me. I love it when she screams my name.

            You see, I was the captain. I beat James to it. Woo. Go me!

            "Ah, Bella, how you are mistaken. My arse is not fat. In fact, it is quite hard. You see, I regularly work out my glutes and thighs."

            "UNNEEDED INFORMATION! Just get your arse down here and let out the balls!"

            Practice went quite well. Rhonda the bouncing ferret even came to congratulate me on my wondering Beater skills. Or maybe she was swearing at me in Ferret. And Snape came too. Ah, I forgot to mention Snape. Severus Snape, more commonly known as Snivelly, is a slimy, long-nosed Slytherin with greasy hair. I hate him. Who doesn't? Just the thought of his greasy hair makes my gelled hair flake. More about that git later. Oh…….……..more about anything later…Headmaster Dumbledore is coming this way with a ferret in his hand…I hope I can get out of this one.

A/N: Woo. I think this is a pathetic attempt. LOL. Review and I'll love you forever. 


	2. SIRIUSly Abducted

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter Two: SIRIUSly Abducted 

          I got out of the whole "turning Rhonda into a ferret" thing. I always get away with things. Well, no I don't, but I like to pretend that I do. I love pretending. Once, in my third year, I pretended I was ugly. It was really scary. Bad memories…now I must think happy thoughts…

          Ah yes, Bella. She's a happy thought. I was just pretending the other day that we were married. I found it amusing. She found it terrifying. The I pretended that we were having some fun in the sun. Unfortunately, as I was thinking these forbidden thought, James pushed me on top of her. It wasn't funny. Well yes it was, but don't tell Bella that.

            And I love dreaming. I'm a dreamer. But I'm mostly a pretender. Sometimes, I get hungry while pretending, so I start snogging a bottle of sugar. Remus saw that once. I don't think he'll ever be the same. Poor fellow. I scarred him for life. I don't think he likes sugar anymore either. Ah, here comes Remus now!

          "Sirius, what the hell have you been doing?"

          "Sugar!"

          "Excuse me?" Remus winced. 

          "Just kidding!"

          "Uh, whatever. There's a letter for you. Something from the Minister of Magic."

          "Ooh, ooh, really?"

          "Yeah, it was delivered to James by accident. He didn't read it though. Go on, go get it!"

          "Ooh, ooh, what do you think it's about? Maybe I'm gonna get a prize! Or maybe the Minister wants me to be is assistant!"

          "Yeah…you go on pretending that…"

          "JAMES! Gimme my letter!"

          He gave me the letter. He always listens to me. 

          It read, 

_          Dear Mr. Sirius Black, _

_                             You had been dating my daughter Karin a few weeks ago. After you two had ended your relationship, you warned her that my army of __Crumple-Horned Snorkacks would attack her. _

_                                    There have been rumors going around that Crumple-Horned Snorkacks exist. They do not. I believe this rumor was started by you, in order to create a commotion in the wizarding community. This has meant a lot of paper work for me, and I would appreciate it if you helped to stop the rumors you started._

_                                                Minister of Magic_

                                                            Gregory Pollock 

            I was in shock. Silly Minister. How dare he say that Crumple-horned Snorkacks don't exist! Just the other day, I saw one flying around above the school grounds! I thought for a moment. It was a Saturday. I could go and spend all day in the grounds and look for that Snorkack again. Or, I could go to Hogsmeade. Or I could snog. Oh, the possibilities. 

            James spoke. "Sirius, I'm going with Lily to Hogsmeade, ok? You wanna come?"

            "Oh, like you really want me to come on a date with you!"

            "Good answer! Alright, later then."

            I sniffled. "Fine! Let the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks abduct me!"

            "The Crumple-who What?"

            "The Crumple-Horned Snorkacks! You've never heard of them? They're like aliens with wings! Big, scary things that the Minister has been producing!"

            James sighed. He does that a lot. Silly James. "Sirius, there are no such things as Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Even if there were, they would have attacked you already."

            "Fine. Don't believe me. Some friend you are." I left the Great Hall dramatically. I would get a picture of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack if it was the last thing I did. 

            So, I went to the grounds. I hadda sneak away from Peter. He's gotten into this habit of gazing fondly at me. I believe its my good looks, but really. People might think he is a little …queer. 

            I wonder what I could do if I had all my brain cells. Oh the possibilities.

            Aha! I think I see something…oh. It's a cloud. Hey! That cloud is in the shape of a…bra! Weird. Oh, and that one looks like broom! Or a stick. And that one looks like a bed. With a pillow. I like beds. You sleep on beds. You can have lots of fun on beds. I'm sleepy…I think I shall take a nap. 

            I'm lying on something cold…and hard. It's not a bed…am I on the grounds? I'm moving…hey…WHAT THE? I'M ON THE BACK OF A CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK! I knew it! I knew they would abduct me! Oh jeez…where is my camera? Uh oh…where is this think taking me? 

            "Is you awakened?" That's what the Snorkack said! 

            "Nope. Still sleeping."

            "What be your name, little man?"

            "I am not little! Put me down!"

            We descended. The thing dropped me onto the grass. We were in a meadow with rainbows and happy bunnies. Deer were gazing. 

            "What be your name?" The Snorkack turned around. It was scary. It was about 4 feet tall, and 4 feet wide. It was fat. A very fat thing. A combination of a horse, alien, and  fish. It had gills. The scariest part was that there was a man living inside that thing's mouth. A fat man. Suddenly, I forgot my name.

            "Err…how about you tell me your name, Zuggzin?"

            "My name is not Zuggzin. It is Dodillion."

            "That's a stupid name! Can I call you Dodo, for short?"

            "My name is Dodillion."

            "Oh…but i think Dodo sounds quite inquisitive."

            "Een-quiz-ee-tv?"

            "Err…don't you Snorkacks know English?"

            Dodo let out a little yell. "Get this little man out of my sight!"

            I panicked. "Okay! I'll call you Dodillion! It's fine, it's a nice name!"

            But it was too late. Another Snorkack had flown with another human, and brought him to be…examined. I learned that the new Snorkacks name was Qestillkorfet. This particular Snorkack has a skinny woman in its mouth. A redhead. With a temper like Lily's.

            "What you need, Dodillion?", said Qestillkorfet.

            "Take this little man to HE."

            I interrupted. "HE? Is that your leader?"

            "Lee-durr? What that mean?"

            "Lee-durr. Life form who controls other life forms."

            "Aah. You come with me. What your name?" 

            "My name…is…uhmm…err…"

            "We have arrived."

            I was in a hot room, with a examiner's table. I hadn't noticed I was walking.

            "Sit."

            "Uh…well, ladies first."

            "Sit, or we feed you."

            "Uh…I'll take the food."            

            "We feed _on_ you."

            The Snorkack was laying me onto the table…saying to another Snorkack behind him, "We have him in the Jaqb Room."                                                      "The Jaqb? That's what this hellhole is called?"           

            "Yes. Now we must perform some tests on you."        

            "Tests? What kinds of—" I never finished asking the question. The evil brute had put some sort of sleeping gas into my mouth…

            I awoke to the sound of people screaming. I grabbed my wand. 

            My wand.

            I was back at Hogwarts. I was looking quite foolish, on the grounds. People were screaming happily, playing with the Giant Squid. I dashed to the Common Room.

            James and Lily were quite busy. Remus and Peter were obviously in the Great Hall. James and Lily were both smiling like idiots. I never look that silly when I kiss. And believe me, I know. 

            "Have a nice evening, you two?"

            James broke apart from Lily, giving me a look. "Wonderful, how about you?" 

            Oh, had some food, watched for Snorkacks, got abducted by them, including one named Qestillkorfet. You?

            I shrugged. "Nothing much."  
  


A/N: Well! That was a little…Sirius-like? It seems a bit disappointing to me…but review and let me know! 


	3. SIRIUSLY Modeling

Disclaimer: Contrary to common belief, Sirius is not mine.

A/N: Wow, took me a while to update. This chapter skips from Sirius's last year to his first year out of Hogwarts. Wait, does that make sense?!

Chapter Three: Siriusly Modeling

So, I was, like bouncing off the walls. Again. I was looking like a fool. Again. But who cares? It was my 19th birthday. I was a big kid now. No more diapers for me! No sir.

So I bounded downstairs. I lived in an apartment with Lily and James. You remember them? They're silly. So Lily made me breakfast. And I looked through the paper.

I poured myself a mug of coffee and took the sports page from James. He raised his eyebrows at me. "Looking for scores? Wasps won again, Sirius."  
"Nope," I replied jauntily, turning the page. "I'm looking for a job."  
James spat out his mouthful of coffee, staining his page, not to mention splattering mine.  
"Oh that's real attractive, James," I said sarcastically, waving my wand and removing the stains off of the papers.  
He coughed and pounded his chest, gasping for air.  
"Breathe, James, breathe. HAHAHA. You need pregnany tests. Breathe harded. I TOLD you to use protection. I knew Lily would do this."  
But that slut ignored me."You?!" he said incredulously. "A job? In the sports section?"  
"I want to be a commentator," I told him proudly, turning the page.  
"With what experience?"  
"I commentated at Hogwarts- first and second year before I made the team, remember?"  
He sighed in a resigned sort of way. "Well, it won't be in the sports section. It'll be in here." He passed me the classified section. The front page showed a short wizard squeaking, "At Ned's Used Broom Lot, you can get the Comet 160 for only 29 Sickles and 10 Knuts!"  
I took it, flipping to the "special interests" part of the paper.  
  
----------------------------  
"Hi, guys," Lily greeted us, coming into the kitchen with two brown paper grocery bags. "Happy birthday, Sirius," she added, kissing me on the cheek.  
"Can I help you with that, Lils?" James asked immediately, getting up.  
Suck up. Well, no. I mean, it wasn't sucking up when I did that to Bella. Oh, how I miss her. Oh well, her fault she wanted to buy 60 cats and live with them instead of me.  
James took one of the bags and peeked into it suspiciously. "Lils, I thought you were only getting eggs and cinnamon," he said. "There's--"  
She stomped on his foot, glaring. "That's all there is, James," she hissed. He cottoned on.  
"Oh," he said loudly. "Yes, that is all there is."  
I already knew they were throwing a surprise party for me, however. I know things, you see. Lily could keep a secret, but if you told James a secret in the morning the whole world would know by mid-afternoon.  
I shook my wonderful, superb, breath-taking head and returned to searching for my job, which wasn't going too well. The only thing that had somewhat caught my eye was an ad to be the next salesperson for Ned's Used Broom Lot.  
And then I saw it.  
The ad for my calling. Well, it was calling to me. It had my name all over it.  
"Are you hot?"  
Yes, very.  
"Are you sexy?"  
Stop asking such easy questions.  
"Do you want to make a bank account to big to be allowed?"  
Doesn't everyone?  
"If you answered yes to all of these questions-"  
Hello? Is there an 'if' about it?  
"-you could become a model for Mango's Quidditch Uniforms!"  
Showing off my hot, sexy body in Quidditch uniforms?! This was my kind of job!  
Then in smaller print at the bottom of the page: "Must be 21 or over."  
So I'd become two years older for big money. Simple.  
"Hey, Lils!" I called, even though she was right across the kitchen.  
"Yes?"  
"What do you think of me becoming a model?"  
I'm sure that if James had coffee in his mouth he would've spat it out again. He didn't, though. It was my birthday cake. Luckily, it landed on Lily's hair, not my wonderful, superb, breath-taking head.  
  
---------------------  
  
"Sir," Miss Booty said gently, looking over her glasses. "Are you sure you're twenty-one?"

Her name's not really Booty. It's Henry. But with an ass like that...you've gotta be called Booty.  
I rolled my eyes skyward. "Of course I'm 21. Don't be ridiculous. If I weren't 21, would I even be here? I can read, Miss Boo... I mean Miss Henry.. Even the small print."  
She smiled and went back to my resume. "Do you have any modeling experience, Mr. Black?"  
"A little when I was younger, before Hogwarts, of course," I lied. "I did some Muggle spreads and things like that."  
Booty smiled again. I was beginning to think it was one of those pasted on, you know when you're just trying to humor someone. "Well, you're certainly," she lowered her glasses again, "handsome enough."  
"Why thank you," I said, wiggling my eyebrows. That makes the ladies go crazy- except for Lily. She just slaps me when I do that. But she's James's girlfriend, so that's understandable.  
BUT BACK TO ME!  
"And you're certainly qualified....so..." She sighed loudly. "I guess you've got the job."  
  
------------------  
And so it began. My life as Sirius Black, hottest male model in the world....  
I went in three days later for a photo shoot for Mango's Quidditch Uniforms' newest accessory: the fan jacket. I hated the jacket- it had the Wimbourne Wasp logo imprinted on it (I hate the Wasps with a passion), but I was being paid 120 Galleons to do this shoot.  
  
The jacket stayed.  
For a while, anyway.  
I tried to convince Miss Booty, who was now my manager, to allow me to wear leather. Leather makes me look my hottest.  
"Please!" I begged. "I look my hottest in leather! I'm waterproof and everything!"  
The photographer, a Jean-Claude Gorenemmy, raised his eyebrow at me. "Leazzer?" he inquired suddenly.  
"Yes, leather!" Miss Booty said with a slight, snooty laugh. "Imagine!"  
"Zat could vork," he said thoughtfully, tapping his chin. "Zat could vreally vork. Do you have any leazzer wiz 'ou?"  
In between his heavy French accent (what is with photographers having to be French, I wonder? What's wrong with British photographers? Named Crystal? Who happen to be extremely hot and wear very short shorts? Or miniskirts, I'm not particular), I made out his question. "Er, no?"  
"Zat can be fixed, of course. Lulu!" He snapped his fingers, and a middle aged woman, his assistant, who looked rather like a starved bird, scurried over.  
"Yes, mounsier?"  
"I need some leazzer."  
Lulu looked confused. "What kind of leather, mounsier? A jacket, boots, pants...?"  
"Hmm," Jean-Claude mused, sizing me up. I was very uncomfortable and fought the urge to hide behind Miss Booty's booty.. "Vou are correct. Vhich article of clozing are you most comfortable with, Mistair Black?"  
"Jacket...and pants, all the way," I said immediately.  
Lulu made a note of this. "Black, presumeably?"  
"Of course," I said before Jean-Claude could interrupt. "Black is my name, the color is even hotter on me." I gave my best flirtatious wink at her and to my surprise she giggled and blushed. But she had no miniskirt.  
"Yes, yes," she giggled, leaving.  
------------------  
  
The leather was a hit. HAH. Just kidding. I was a hit.  
Girls were squealing and giggling whenever they saw me on the street- which didn't take much getting used to, of course. I mean, it happened at Hogwarts all the time.  
James and Lily had to change our telephone number because we were getting too many calls at all hours of the night. Why didn't I change it? Number one, I don't know how to use the stupid thing, Lily and James take care of that, and number two I didn't really want them to change it anyway. I always thought it rather funny when James woke me up in the middle of the night screaming at some poor girl on the other line telling her that no, he wasn't hot, sexy Sirius Black (or hot and sexy....Lily of course begs to differ- but she has to), but the poor girl didn't understand a word he was saying because she was calling from INDIA.  
I was getting telephone calls from INDIA.  
Imagine!  
For Lily's birthday, I did not buy her an autographed picture of myself as I did every year, but a platinum tennis bracelet.  
What did James get her?  
Oh, just an engagement ring.  
-----------------------  
Pretty soon, however, Miss Booty was getting calls from INDIA requesting more pictures of the extremely hot and sexy Sirius Black. This would not have been a problem, except there were no other pictures of the hot and sexy Sirius Black. I refused to do any more photo shoots.  
The process bored me. Plus I didn't like Jean-Claude checking me out when he thought I didn't notice. I notice when anyone checks me out. I mean, yeah, it made my tummy feel all tingly inside. But really.  
"Just make more copies and color my jacket green or something," I told Miss. Booty when she called me in for a meeting. "As long as they're interested, right Meggie?"  
Megan was her first name, she hated it when I called her that.  
"Don't call me that, Sirius," she said.  
I don't understand that. I mean, she was on first name basis with me, why couldn't I be with her? Unless she wanted me to call her Booty.  
"That's the point," she continued. "They're not interested anymore, Sirius."  
"What?!" I leapt up from my chair. "But- but James got a call from Greece last night! They're still interested!"  
Meggie was surprised. "I thought you changed your number."  
I shrugged. "We did."  
"The point is," she said, returning to the topic. "You're not doing any new work, Sirius, dear. Much as we love you...." She sighed. "We're going to have to let you go."  
"Let me go?!" I shrieked. "You can't let me go! I'm your best client! Look at these abs!" I lifted up my shirt for her to see me six pack. She shut her eyes and crossed herself.  
"Dear Lord, Sirius!" she cried. "Put your shirt down! I do not want to see your....abs. Like I said, you are hugely popular and can still regain your popularity..."  
I perked up. I knew they weren't dropping me.  
"....somewhere else."  
---------------------  
  
So ended my modeling career. Like Meggie said, I could've regained my popularity. I just didn't feel like it. I mean, come on. I'm Sirius Black. Anything you can do I can do better.  
Every once in a while, James would still wake up screaming at some girl who knew not a word of what he was saying. He eventually got used to it, however.  
In the meantime, we had a wedding to plan.

A/N: I hope you siriusly liked it


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